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HUMOR

I'm a big fan of humor, especially since the research is clear that humor has numerous health benefits (See very bottom of this page). It never hurts to laugh out loud, and the impact on your blood pressure, heart rate, reduction in stress hormones, etc. is well documented. I thought I'd use this page as a forum for jokes submitted by clients or just whomever. To seed the project, I put up a couple of jokes poking fun at my own profession, but as they become available, I'll post more. If you have a joke you would like me to put on this page, send it to me at:


Dr. Griggs*


The joke(s) you send have to meet only a few conditions. One, they have to make me laugh. If I don't laugh, we have a different sense of humor. It's my website, so I get to make the rules. Two, they have to be low on the offensive scale. I don't want to offend anyone, even though some humor, no mattter how benign, frequently has underlying sarcasm, or worse. I won't post anything that is blatantly racial, prejudicial, misogynistic or obviously hurtful. If I overlook any of these things and get a complaint, I'll remove the joke.

Jokes can be pictures, as in cartoons. Send them as attachments and if they're funny, they will end up here. Obvious goof ball questions/jokes designed to annoy the psychologist will be deleted, unless they are from mocking friends. In that case, expect an equal level reply.

***

The psychologist greets his client in the waiting room by saying, "Hello Mrs. Jones, how are you?" The client becomes enraged, turns red-faced, clenches her fist and yells, "I'm Mrs. Smith and I've been coming to you for months. How can you not even know my name?" The psychologist retorts, "Well, you know, psychology is an inexact science."

***

At the end of the workday, the older more seasoned psychologist and the younger, just beginning psychologist just happened to be coming down a couple flights of stairs together. The older psychologist has a spring in his step, a twinkle in his eye and is effortlessly taking each step with vigor. The younger psychologist is dragging his behind, moping, head and shoulders down and moving slowly. The younger psychologist looks at the older psychologist with obvious wonder, and says, "Here we are at the end of the day, having heard story after story of trouble in people's lives, often big ordeals and we patiently try to be helpful, enduring their pain and suffering, and you look fresh and alive. I feel awful. How do you do it?" To wit, the older psychologist replies, "Who listens?"


***

doctor strike


***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0BfcdPKw8E


***

Why Teachers Drink

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.   These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs
and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure. I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

***



***

There's three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who can't.

***

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***

I've been reading Murphy's Law, 26th Edition. Here's one:

Fudd's First Corollary: If you push something hard enough, it WILL fall over.

 

Creative Exam Answers...

 

Bears

 
science teachers
 


Low Carb Salad

 

joke-therapist

 

  littletoe  

 

  womensweightjoke  

 

 
golfpic
 

 

 
golfpictwo
 

 

  tribbles  


Why Germany hasn't won any dog sled races...

  daschunddogracing  

 

Hope I don't share any genes with the owner of this bike...

     

 

     

 

No Nonsense Personality Inventory

Directions: For each item, answer: Like Me (L), Somewhat Like Me (S) or Not Like Me (N)

___1) I salivate at the sight of mittens.
___2) At times, I am aftraid that my toes will fall off.
___3) As an infant, I had very few hobbies.
___4) Spinach makes me feel alone.
___5) Sometimes I steal objects like medicine balls and aviaries.
___6) Sometimes I think someone is trying to take over my stomach.
___7) I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
___8) Recently, I have been getting shorter.
___9) I have always been disturbed by the size of Lincoln's ears.
___10) I often repeat myself.
___11) I often repeat myself.
___12. Most of the time, I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
___13) It makes me angry to have people bury me.
___14) Gum makes me sweat.
___15) It is hard for me to find the right thing to say when I am in a room full of squirrels.
___16) Weeping brings tears to my eyes.
___17) I believe in life after birth.
___18) I like to put chameleons on plaid-cloth.
___19) Some songs make me regurgitate.
___20) I never seem to finish whatever I

 

     
 
marijuana
 
 

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.  When she asked me why, I replied,  "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started. 

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.  I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'  'No,' she answered.   I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?'  She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'  So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.   I asked her, "Do you know him?"  "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."  "My God!"  I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.  Always something more important to me.  Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.   When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.  I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.  I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels   She asked, "What's on TV?"  I said, "Dust."

My husband was hinting about what he wanted for our upcoming anniversary. He said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 2 seconds."  I bought him a bathroom scale.

My husband was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.   He was not happy with what he saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to pay me a compliment.'   I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

 

parking signs


Steven Wright'
s wit:

  1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

  2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

  3 - Half the people you know are below average.

  4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

  7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

  9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

 19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

 34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 36 - What's another word for Thesaurus?

 

wendysad

 

 
  cellphonesandrelationships  

 

  cellphonesandheaven  

 

More creative test answers...

 

 
math
 

 

 
eightandsix
 

 

 
1895
 

 

 
expand
 


  x  

 

 
asia
 

 

 
kaput
 

 

 
traffic
 

 

 
misteaks
 

 

And finally, THE END

 

 
theend
 

 

(Now, don't you feel better?)

 

 

*Please use this email only for jokes, not for other stuff...See my email policy at:
Offices


PageRank 

 

  *Research on humor shows some surprising things! Did you know that humor, among many other things, reduces stress, improves health and well-being? Specifically, it elevates mood, reduces anxiety, ameliorates pain, reduces stress-related hormones, enhances trust, increases pleasure, improves immune system health, improves the effectiveness/efficiencies of interpersonal and cognitive-behavioral therapies, plus promotes positive psychology and overall healthy habits?